


Train In Vain

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:28:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accepting the past</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Sirius Black wiped his hand over his face, then continued pushing his bike up the drive. One of the levitation spells had failed, forcing him to land, at which point he discovered that he was out of petrol. He was only two miles from the house when this happened. It took a scant quarter-mile for him to discover that two miles as a dog was an entirely different matter than two miles as a man pushing a four- hundred-pound motorcycle on a warm summer day.

As he neared the house, he heard music playing loudly. He looked around and spotted Remus doing something extremely messy in the garden pond. The music was coming through the open windows of the living room. Sirius realized he knew the band; he concentrated. The Smash? No, the Clash. He remembered listening to them with Remus, before. He smiled. Another triumph of memory.

He wheeled the bike into the shed and fetched a glass of water, going back out to sit on the step and watch Remus, who had donned waders for his foray into the garden pond and still managed to look quite fetching. The song ended, and a new one started. He half-listened to the catchy tune as he drank thirstily. Suddenly Remus was clambering out of the water, pulling his waders off, and running to the house.

"Moony? What's wrong?"

Remus ignored him, brushing by him and heading to the living room. The recorded voice sang, "But the heartache's in me till this day. Did you stand by me? No, not at all. Did you-" and jerked to an abrupt halt.

Sirius entered the living room cautiously. Remus was standing over the turntable, hands fisted by his sides, breathing heavily. He didn't look up when Sirius came in; his hair hung over his face.

Sirius waited a moment. "Remus? What is it?"

Still staring at the record. "I forgot about that song."

"What song? What about it?"

Now Remus did look up. He had a smear of mud on his forehead. "Nothing. It's not important." He moved as if to leave the room.

Sirius put out his hand, caught the muscular arm. "You shot in here to turn it off. I think it is important." He paused. "I'd like to hear it."

"No." With finality.

"Then can we talk about it?" He felt Remus closing down. "Please?"

"No." Remus wrenched his arm away and left the room.

Sirius looked at the motionless turntable for a moment. The needle was still in the groove it had found when Remus shut the stereo off. Sirius left the needle in place and hit the power.

"--stand by me, no way. All the times when we were close-"

"No!" Remus strode back in. "Dammit, Sirius!"

Sirius turned away and lifted the needle, put it back at the beginning of the track. As the song began playing again, he said, "I'm going to listen to it."

Remus grabbed his arm. Sometimes Sirius forgot how strong his lover was. He tried and failed to pull away. "Why are you doing this?"

He stared into the golden eyes. "I think I need to." The singer repeated the lines that Sirius had already heard, and he began to understand Remus' reactions. Then it went on:

_All the times when we were close I'll remember these things the most I see all my dreams come tumbling down I can't be happy without you around_

Remus was still holding Sirius' arm in that bruising grip.

_So alone I keep the wolves at bay-_

Sirius sucked in a startled breath. "Right," he said, trying to keep his voice steady, "I think I've heard enough."

"Oh, no." A little snarl there. "You wanted to listen to this, so you sit here-" he was shoved into a chair-"And you fucking listen."

Sirius felt himself trembling with adrenaline. Remus was standing over him, trapping him in the chair. Sirius fought the instinctive impulse to transform, to push Remus away from him.

The song continued.

_You must explain why this must be Did you lie when you spoke to me? Did you stand by me? No, not at all Now I got a job, but it don't pay I need new clothes, I need somewhere to stay_

Sirius remembered Harry describing the patched, threadbare robes Remus had worn during his year as the DADA teacher.

_But without all these things I can do Without your love I won't make it through But you don't understand my point of view I suppose there's nothing I can do_

The catchy chorus again, trailing away into the near-silent scritch of the needle on the vinyl. It was the last song on the record.

"Satisfied?" Snarling.

He had never before deliberately set out to make Remus angry. "No." He stood up, pushing Remus back. "Why don't you ever talk about it?"

There was a long pause. Remus stepped back suddenly. "Nothing to say."

Sirius' mouth dropped open. "Nothing to say? Moony, you just-" freaked out, he wanted to say. "Became very upset. So now-" He took a deep breath, looking at Remus' shuttered face. "I want you to talk to me. Tell me what the hell is going on."

"Talk." Emotionless. "You want to talk."

"No. I want you to talk. For a change." He had to find something that would work, some words that would force Remus to open up. "I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry I-I'm sorry I messed up. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry you had twelve years of-" He pointed at the turntable. "That." He still didn't know what Remus had done most of the time he'd been in Azkaban. But he was beginning to have an idea of what it had been like.

"Sorry." The same flat voice.

"Yes! I'm sorry!" Sirius' own anger boiled over abruptly. "Dammit! I am so tired of tiptoeing around you!" He heard the words spilling out of his mouth in shock. "I can't ask about what you did, I can't know anything about how you felt, I can't tell you how I-" He stopped. He couldn't read Remus' face. "Oh God, Moony, please." He sat back down in the chair and buried his face in his hands. "Please," he repeated to his hands.

Another pause. "You really want to know."

"Yes!" At least Remus hadn't completely shut him out. He looked up. Remus was staring out the window.

"All right. I'll tell you. But remember." Remus' hand tightened into a fist, unclenched slowly. "You wanted this." He went to the cabinet in the corner and took out a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

Sirius relaxed slightly when Remus handed him his glass. A stray thought occurred to him. "When did you start drinking scotch?" Remus hadn't been much of a drinker before.

Remus quirked an eyebrow at him. "Severus."

Sirius' hand jerked and the scotch sloshed precariously about. Remus never talked about Snape. Well, it was something he'd done while Sirius had been in prison. Sirius forced himself to nod.

Remus sat on the sofa. "So? What else?"

He was being given carte blanche to ask Remus anything he wanted to know about those twelve years. So why was he drawing a blank? He thought. "Did you-were you ever happy?"

"No." Remus spoke without pausing to think. A little grimace. "The song. That's what it was like."

Sirius stared at his hands, holding his glass tightly. "Weren't you ... not even with-with Snape?" Who had been Remus' lover for almost eight months, until they all met in the Shrieking Shack.

A sigh. "No. But I was-less unhappy with him." Remus drank some of his scotch. "I thought about it less. That's all I wanted. All I got."

Sirius said again, uselessly, "I'm sorry." There was another pause. "What else did you do?"

Remus sighed. "You know some of it. Most of it. Before the DADA job, I worked in those Muggle bars. I traveled sometimes. Oh, I made a lot of money."

"Working in bars?" He didn't know much about Muggle employment, but he'd never thought bar work was particularly lucrative.

"No, the stock market." Sirius' perplexity must have shown on his face, because Remus smiled momentarily. "Some day when we have six hours and nothing else to do, I'll explain it to you. Let's just say that I found a practical application for Arithmancy." Remus finished his drink.

Sirius was still confused. "If you have money, why-I mean, Harry told me that he thought you were-that you didn't have any. Your robes?"

"Oh. That." Remus shrugged. "The moths had got to them. And ... I didn't want people wondering about me. It was easier to let them think I didn't have anything." Very quietly, he added, "And I didn't." He stared into his empty glass. "Not one fucking thing."


	2. Part Two

"I'm sorry." The words slipped out before Sirius could stop them.

"You can stop saying that, you know." Remus glanced at him, then looked away.

"I don't know what else to say." Sirius set down his scotch. He didn't want it now that he knew Remus used to drink it with Snape. "And I am sorry. I wish I could-make that time go away for you."

"You want me not to have had that time? Those years?" The expressionless tone reappeared.

"Yes! I wish you'd been-that you didn't have to live as a Muggle." Working in bars, living in tiny flats, cut off from the wizarding world. "That you hadn't been so ... alone."

A humorless laugh. "What do you think happened, Sirius? That I was rejected by normal wizards and cast out to live on my own? Because of my-because of our relationship?"

Sirius blinked. "Well... I mean, why else-"

Remus stood up. He poured himself another drink, turned and looked at him. "No. I chose that. I didn't want to be around-people who knew me. Knew what I was." Whispering. "Knew about you." He rubbed his hand over his forehead. The mud caked there flaked off in dry pieces. "Normal wizards," he repeated slowly. "You really want to know why I left that world?"

Sirius nodded dumbly.

"Everything that you take for granted is illegal for me. Did you know that? Do you remember that?" A little bite in the husky voice.

He flinched. His memories were coming back, but erratically. He thought. "Um..."

"The Werewolf Registry, Sirius. Do you remember how hard it was for me to find work when we moved to London? That every place I applied to checked me through the Ministry and found out what I was-what I am?" Remus sat in the window seat and looked out at the garden. "I followed all their rules. What did it get me?" He glanced back at Sirius. The yellow eyes were flat. "I'll tell you something else."

It was as if now that Remus had begun speaking, he couldn't stop. Or didn't want to.

Sirius waited. His sweaty shirt stuck clammily to his back.

"I'm more of a criminal than you are."

Sirius jerked in surprise.

The humorless laugh again. "Werewolves aren't allowed to Apparate. Werewolves aren't allowed to invent new spells. But I do. I haven't updated my information with the Registry in ten years. I won't get the Kiss, but if they find out, they'll take away my wand." A raised eyebrow. "That's why I taught myself how to do wandless magic."

Sirius nodded. He'd noticed that shortly after their reunion.

"So I-at least I have that. From that time." Remus opened his hand and looked at it.

Sirius' mouth was dry. He swallowed and spoke. "Your power."

Another pause. "Knowing my power. Using it."

Yes, that was right. Remus had always been powerful, but he was confident now. Sirius nodded again. He seemed to be doing a lot of that.

Then Remus said quickly, "You can stop tiptoeing around, you know." Remus got up and walked over, perched on the arm of Sirius' chair. "I want you to be-" **like you were before** hung in the air for a moment. "I don't want you to be unhappy."

"Oh, Moony." He put his hand on Remus' leg, patted it. "I'm not unhappy. Far from it." He squeezed the hard thigh. "I just-every once in a while I say something and you freeze up. Freeze me out. And I don't know why. So perhaps you could-you could help me with that."

A gentle kiss fell on top of his head. "Mm." A short pause. "So. Was that a fight?"

Sirius blinked. "I don't know." He thought. "We didn't yell much." Had they ever fought? He didn't think so, although he remembered many strained silences, especially in the six months before James and Lily were killed. "I suppose it could have been a fight. Why? Did you want to fight?" That seemed improbable.

"No." Remus slid out of his grasp and dropped to his knees in front of Sirius, trapping him in the chair once more. "But I understand that it's traditional to have hot make-up sex after a fight." His eyes were very golden. He leaned forward and kissed Sirius demandingly. Sirius melted into the kiss. He broke free suddenly.

"Remus, I'm all sweaty." He didn't want to offend his lover's keen sense of smell.

A chuckle. "Yes, you smell very ... masculine. I like it. Besides-" Another kiss. "I plan to make you sweat more."

Sirius didn't know quite what to make of Remus' sudden mood change. Remus slid his hands under Sirius' shirt and stroked his chest, then stripped the shirt off him quickly, leaned in, and bit at Sirius' neck and chest. Sirius felt himself shivering, only half in arousal.

Remus pulled back. "What's wrong?"

He swallowed. "I don't know. I just-" He looked into Remus' face. "You switched so quickly, it's like-" He shook his head. "I don't know. It just doesn't feel right."

Remus sat back on his heels. "You don't want to shag?"

"Well, not if you're doing it just to make me feel better. Or-" He hesitated, then plunged ahead. "To avoid talking."

Remus looked away. Bull's-eye. Sirius reviewed the last few minutes of their conversation and sighed. "I'm not expecting you to turn into a chatterbox, you know."

That surprised Remus into smiling briefly.

Sirius leaned forward and touched Remus' cheek, pressed his thumb into the dimple on the strong chin. "But I need you to-I mean, we talked that one time. After the .. the charm-" After he'd been freed of the corrosive jealousy that had been eating away at him for almost thirteen years, most of which had been the result of a charm Pettigrew had cast on him. But not all. He was still struggling with that. "But there's more. I can feel it." He slid his hand into the soft brown hair and ran his fingers through it. "Isn't there?"

Remus pulled his head away. "Sirius, I said I'd try. And besides-" He glanced away, then back at Sirius. "I don't know how much you really want to hear."

"There's nothing you can't tell me," Sirius said. He thought he meant it.

"Mm." A pause. "Not quite the same, is it?" Remus stood and walked over to the record player, still rotating. He lifted the needle off and set the arm back in its holder, picked up the record, and looked at it. He said very quietly, "You know, Sirius, I think you want me to tell you about it so that you can say you're sorry. Again. But I don't want to hear that."

No, Remus wouldn't. He never had.

Remus spoke again in his beautiful, husky voice. "You want to know why I really don't want to talk about-you being gone? It was all-it all meant nothing." A deep breath. "I never believed-I thought you were guilty. Right up until I touched you. Smelled you. So I-if I could just have--"

Sirius dragged in a deep breath. "Remus, I don't-how could you have thought anything else?" He met the golden eyes. "I would have believed I was guilty too. Hell, sometimes I did." He repressed a shiver.

Remus made a little exasperated noise. "No, it's-" He broke off, turning the record over in his hands. "It's this. I spent twelve years thinking that--" His voice grew even huskier. "That the most important thing in my life was a lie. And now all those-now I find out that I was wrong. For twelve years." Whispering. "So what do I do? What do I do with those years? With all that-" He swallowed. "With all that pain? I can't make it-make sense. What was it all for?"

Sirius was silent. After a moment he stood and walked over to Remus. Carefully, he put his arms around the other man. They stayed in the embrace for a few minutes. He could hear the steady beat of Remus' heart, his uneven breathing. Finally he said, "I don't know. I just-I don't know." He pressed his forehead against his lover's, took courage from the heat of Remus' body. "But I don't want it to ... hang between us. Like it has been."

A little sigh. "Yes."

He felt Remus waiting, poised, and knew he had to say something else. Something else that had been lying between them for years. "I- in Azkaban, there were a few memories that the Dementors kept coming back to." Sirius stepped away and sought out his neglected drink. "They had a favorite, I think." He drained the glass, let the warmth flood through him. It didn't reach the little cold spot in his stomach. "Your face when I told you about-that I had told Snape how to find you. In the Shack." That one moment in Dumbledore's office before Remus had closed himself off completely, when Sirius understood exactly what he had done to his best friend.

Remus was very still.

"I didn't stand by you, did I, Moony?" His voice cracked. Not then, not later.

"No." So low Sirius barely heard it. He should have kept tiptoeing around.

Sirius dropped his face into his hands. There was a stir of movement, then a light, almost tentative touch to his shoulder. He looked at Remus.

"No," Remus repeated. "But I think-- I made you push me farther and farther. You wanted to see how much I-. How much you could do to me. Isn't that it? Because I wouldn't-show you. Tell you. What I was feeling."

His mouth dropped open. He'd always been stuck on the moment itself, when he'd told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. That had been another favorite of the Dementors. He'd avoided thinking about why he'd done it. But- "You didn't-it was my fault." That was much too mild a word. He licked his dry lips. "That's-out of everything, that's what I regret the most."

At least he could blame Pettigrew for James and Lily, and for casting the jealousy charm on Sirius that had made him increasingly suspicious of Remus in the months before James and Lily were killed. But Sirius' betrayal of Remus, when he'd revealed his best friend's secret to Snape, had been his alone.

Remus dragged in a deep breath. "Oh, Siri." He touched his shoulder, his cheek, twined his hand into Sirius' hair. Sirius pushed his head into the caress. He was hugely relieved. He didn't care what Remus said to him, as long as the hand kept petting him. "I know," Remus whispered.

They were silent for a while. Eventually Remus spoke again. "So?"

Sirius tried and failed to think of something other to say than-"So, what?"

"So, have I talked enough? So, are you satisfied?" A little smile. "So, can we shag now?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You really have a one-track mind, do you know that?" He looked at Remus' face. He was still amazed sometimes that he was able to do that.

The husky voice reached him as if from a distance. "Sirius? Siri?"

He blinked. "Yes."

"You were kind of-not here for a second," Remus said cautiously.

Oh. He was definitely going to get teased for this one. "Um... I was looking at you."

Puzzlement. "Yes, and?"

"That's it." Dammit, he knew he could do better. How had he used to do this? "I was looking at your face. Your face-" His throat closed up.

"Oh, Siri." Strong arms wrapped around him. He buried his face into the brown hair. It smelled faintly of mud.

"I don't care if you never talk again," Sirius murmured. "Just-"

"I know." Remus was stroking his back, whispering into his ear. "I know."


	3. Part Three

After a few moments Sirius pulled back slightly. Remus still held him in the circle of his arms. "I'm all right now." He kissed the curving lips. "Mm..." Another, deeper kiss. "Wasn't there something about shagging in there?"

"Speaking of one-track minds-" Remus bit lightly at his neck. "Yes, I believe there was."

He let his head fall back as Remus licked the hollow of his throat, then scraped his teeth lightly over Sirius' collarbone. "Oh, yes." He drew Remus to sit on the sofa, ran his hand into the soft hair, and pulled him into a long, slow kiss, his tongue sliding over the other man's, exploring his mouth, teasing his lips. Warm hands ran up under his shirt, caressing his chest and belly. He pressed into the gentle touch. He was losing himself in the sensation of Remus touching him, kissing him. His own hands stroked his lover's hair, shoulders, back, thighs, trying to touch him everywhere.

Remus broke the kiss; his hands stayed on Sirius' chest. "Bedroom?"

Sirius had an idea. "Or-I fixed the downstairs bath yesterday." It was an enormous claw foot tub that had resisted all magical attempts to make it work, or so Remus had said before handing Sirius a tool kit and pointing him towards the problematic plumbing.

Remus smiled, finished pulling off Sirius' shirt, and stood. He murmured something and Sirius could hear water running in the bath.

"You were just trying to get me out of the way, weren't you?" He followed Remus to the bath.

"Hm? Oh, yesterday." Remus stripped off his own shirt, but didn't answer. He put his hand in the water and adjusted one of the taps.

"Yes. Yesterday. Why?" He'd wondered about it at the time, shoved the thought away. But it had returned when Remus magicked the taps on.

Remus shut off the water. "The full moon is next week." He hadn't denied Sirius' assertion.

"Right, I know." Sirius smiled. He'd missed several of Remus' transformations in his desire-need-to be close to Harry during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. He was looking forward to this one. Running with the wolf. "And?" The connection between the full moon and the bath was eluding him.

"I needed to go somewhere." Remus was staring at the steaming water. "Get something." Pause. "The Wolfsbane Potion."

So that meant-"Oh. You went to see-" He forced himself to say the name. "Snape."

A nod.

"I didn't know he was still making it for you."

Remus shrugged. "He wasn't, for a while. I asked him to start again."

Sirius fought back the bile rising in his throat. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Remus glanced up, looked away again. "You weren't here when I started taking it again."

A pang of guilt seared through him. A wet hand touched him. "No, Siri, it's-" Remus sighed. "It's not your fault."

He struggled for a moment, then heard himself say, "You didn't have to sneak off. You could have told me." It came out like an accusation. Perhaps it was.

Remus stared at him. "And how exactly would that have gone? `Ta-ta, love, I'm off to see my ex? You know, the man you tried to get me to- '" He broke off. "Damn." Very quietly. Then much louder: "Dammit!" He squeezed his eyes shut.

"You didn't even have to go and see him. He could have just sent you the potion." Sirius struggled to keep his voice low.

"I know!" Remus opened his eyes and stared at him. "God, Sirius, this is exactly why I didn't tell you. I can't-I'm not going to defend myself." He looked away. "For pity's sake. Don't start all that again."

The jealousy. Sirius' chest felt very tight. He searched for the right words, for any words. "Remus..." was all that came out. He knelt on the floor next to Remus, who had perched on the edge of the tub, but didn't touch him.

Remus opened his eyes, looked down at him, and touched his shoulder briefly. "Sirius. It happened. It's over."

He forced himself to nod.

Remus' turn to search for words; the golden eyes were intent. "The past ... is the past. We need to-we can't pretend it didn't happen. But we need to-" He stopped.

Sirius found himself thinking of Azkaban. "Not let it control us?"

"Yes." Gratefully. A brief pause. "But there are-there are consequences. Always." Remus put his hand back on Sirius' shoulder. "About my seeing Severus. I'm not going to stop that."

Sirius looked down at his hands. They were trembling. "Oh."

A little squeeze to his shoulder. "He-it hasn't been easy for him either. This past year especially. He needed-I wanted-"

Sirius clasped his hands together tightly to hide how badly they were shaking. But Remus noticed anyway.

"Siri, I don't have to-"

"Yes. Tell me." There's nothing you can't tell me, he'd said. Now to live up to that.

"I wanted to-to treat him better than I had." Remus seemed uncomfortable. His eyes shifted away from Sirius, who took a malicious pleasure in the idea that Remus had treated Snape badly.

"Because you-when I came back, you left?" That made him happy too; the day after they'd seen each other in the Shack, Remus left Hogwarts. Left Snape.

"Um... That, and-it doesn't matter." Definitely uncomfortable.

"What?" Sirius was growing increasingly nervous. "It matters. Tell me. I won't-" But he couldn't promise that he wouldn't get angry or jealous, and Remus knew it. "Tell me," he repeated instead.

Remus rubbed his free hand over his face. "You're not going to let it go, are you?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Fine." Silence. "I don't really know how to start," Remus confessed.

"Start-um, start at the beginning. If you can." Sirius swallowed dryly. He had to hear it. Had to make himself really listen.

A little sigh. "The beginning... It was just because we ... could help each other forget. But Sev-" Sirius tried not to tense up when he heard Remus use the nickname. "He never would have said anything. But I smelled him once." Remus meant that he had smelled Snape's emotions. Like he smelled Sirius'. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek.

Remus went on. "He felt-very strongly about me. But I couldn't ... love him." Whispering. "Siri, I couldn't. I couldn't."

A tangle of emotions rushed through Sirius. He twisted his hands together again. "Did you want to?" He heard himself ask. In that voice he barely recognized as his own, hoarse from twelve years of screaming and barking.

A very quiet whisper. "No." Remus was gazing at the bath water, trailing his hand in it idly. "No."

Some of the tension left Sirius' body.

"So I ... after I left, I went to see him. To let him talk to me. If he needed. And so I-I'm still doing it. Visiting. Once in a while." Remus looked down at him again.

Sirius licked his dry lips. "I see," he whispered. He wanted to stand, but wasn't sure if he could. Remus' hand was like a dead weight on his shoulder. He looked down and saw that his hands were still shaking. He drew in a deep breath, exhaled slowly, did it again, trying to force calm through his body. He made himself speak. "Um ... okay."

"You-okay?" Surprise.

He turned his head and kissed Remus' hand, organizing his thoughts. Trying to think before he spoke for once. "Well, yes and no. I mean, I-I don't like it that you're ... visiting ... Snape." He hated it. Loathed it. "And I don't want him in the house," he said suddenly. In their space. "But I-I have to trust you." Something he'd failed spectacularly at thirteen years earlier. "I do trust you." Saying it, looking at the face he'd loved almost since he'd seen Remus for the first time, he realized at last that it was true. He smiled suddenly. "I trust you."


	4. Part Four

The hand he'd kissed touched his cheek delicately. "Sirius." A smile spread slowly across the handsome face. "Siri..." Remus leaned down and kissed him. Once again Sirius lost himself in the slightly sweet taste of Remus' mouth, in the feeling of the hand now stroking through his hair. He slid his own hands up Remus' thighs to the narrow hips.

Remus broke away. "This wins my vote as one of the most uncomfortable positions you've ever put me in." He pushed Sirius away and stood, rubbing the backs of his thighs where the edge of the bath had dug in. "Ow."

Sirius stood as well. "We could-that is, perhaps the water's still warm." He dipped his hand in. "Yes, just right."

He shucked off his shoes, socks, and trousers, then slid into the bath. The water rose to just above his navel. He held out his hand to Remus in invitation.

"Moony?" Remus had frozen, staring at him. "What is it?"

"No, it's-" An effort to smile. "I just remembered something."

Sirius pondered. "We used to do this, didn't we?" He remembered sneaking into the Prefects' bathroom at Hogwarts. And-"In our flat?"

Remus slipped his trousers off. "Yes." He got into the tub in front of Sirius and leaned back carefully against Sirius' chest. Sirius wrapped his arms round his lover and kissed his neck and ear. "Mm." Remus turned his head and they kissed again. Sirius let his fingers explore Remus' chest. Every time they made love he felt as if he were learning Remus all over again. He found the tight nipples and pinched them lightly. Remus moaned into his mouth, then reached up and held his hands.

"What is it?" He hadn't pinched that hard.

"Just ... don't start anything you don't intend to finish. This time." Remus lifted one of Sirius' hands to his mouth and began sucking on his fingers.

Sirius hardened almost instantly and pushed his erection against Remus' back. "Does that address your concerns?" He used his free hand to tease the hard nipples again. Remus' head fell back onto his shoulder and Sirius pressed his flushed cheek against his lover's. Remus hadn't shaved that morning, he noticed; he rubbed his face against the rough stubble.

Remus released the hand he'd been tormenting. "It most certainly does." He ran his hands up and down Sirius' thighs. Sirius' newly liberated hand skated down Remus' torso, rubbed in slow circles over his flat belly, and finally took hold of the waiting erection. He pumped it slowly; Remus began breathing heavily. Sirius slid his other hand between them, cupped the firm arse briefly, and ran his fingers along the cleft until he touched the little opening. Remus moaned and pushed into Sirius' stroking hand more insistently. "Yes..."

"Mm?" Sirius rubbed over the entrance gently, then pressed one fingertip against it.

"Yes!" Remus was gasping for breath now. He started playing with his own nipples, circling and flicking them. It was an astoundingly erotic sight. Sirius pushed his finger deeper inside, withdrew it slightly, and pushed in again. When he felt the tight hole relax, he started moving his finger in and out steadily. He took his other hand off Remus' cock in order to caress and tease his balls, which tightened under his touch. "Sirius." A little growl there.

He knew what Remus wanted. "You do it," he whispered, dropping a kiss on Remus' cheek, then biting his earlobe softly. Remus reached down and began fisting his own prick. Sirius pressed another finger into Remus' hole. Remus moaned; his hand sped up. He kept shifting slightly in the warm water, rubbing his arse against Sirius' cock, pushing himself onto Sirius' fingers.

"I want to see you come," Sirius murmured. He slid his hand behind the tight balls and stroked over the soft skin there firmly, searching for the one little spot that was guaranteed to drive Remus wild. He found it and pushed, thrusting his fingers deep inside at the same time. Remus cried out and came, shooting over his own belly and chest. He slumped against Sirius, still breathing heavily.

Sirius continued to slide his fingers in and out. Remus turned his head and gave him a long kiss, sucking on his lower lip until they were both panting. "Bed?" Remus suggested for the second time that afternoon. But Sirius was enjoying the way Remus' wet skin looked, shining a little in the sunlight coming in the high window, and the way an occasional drop of water slithered down his torso. He pulled his fingers out, shifted Remus slightly, and summoned his wand. Then he cast a cushioning charm on the bottom of the tub.

"Oh, very clever." Remus grinned and knelt, holding onto the edge of the tub and not so incidentally presenting Sirius with a perfect view of his arse. Sirius was almost painfully hard. He knelt behind his lover and began caressing and kneading the firm cheeks. Bending over, he trailed a line of kisses down the long spine, hands still working on the delectable arse. Remus was making the little whining noise that meant he was equally turned-on and frustrated. Sirius wound up at Remus' tailbone, then licked down into the cleft, swirling his tongue over the entrance. Remus growled. Sirius slid his tongue inside; he heard the whine again. He wiggled his tongue, withdrew it, pushed it back inside, repeating this until Remus was whining almost continually. It was still one of the most arousing sounds Sirius had ever heard.

A hand groped about, grabbed a handful of his hair, hauled him up. "Now." Remus looked over his shoulder, eyes glittering.

"Yes. I just need to get-" He started to pull away.

"No, do it like this." Remus brought one hand back and spread his cheeks.

Sirius groaned. He had to shut his eyes for a second and use the trick Remus had taught him, thinking about Dumbledore and McGonagall naked. With his arousal abated to tolerable levels, he took his wet prick in his hand and held it against the relaxed opening. "You're sure?"

"Yes!" Remus pressed back. The head of Sirius' cock slid in. He stilled Remus with a hand on his hip, letting him adjust; water and spit weren't the best lubricants, although they'd used them before. After a moment he pushed again as he put his other hand on Remus' erection and fondled him, alternating gentle touches to his cock and balls. In slow, gradual strokes Sirius eased his way completely inside. He wrapped his hand around Remus' cock and pumped him.

"All right?" He leaned over Remus and nipped at his ear and neck.

"Yes." Another growl. "Fuck me."

A wave of arousal surged through him at the sound of those words, uttered in Remus' husky voice. "God, yes." He withdrew and thrust back into the welcoming heat repeatedly. Scooping up a handful of the warm water, he poured it down Remus' back; it ran down the long spine, trickled over the place where they were joined together. Remus shivered underneath him and pushed back more insistently. Sirius was fucking him steadily now, fisting his cock and rubbing his thumb over the sensitive head. The waves of astounding sensation kept washing over Sirius, making him more and more excited. Underneath him Remus was growling quietly. Sirius brushed aside Remus' hair and kissed his cheek; Remus turned his head and their lips met briefly. Then Remus squeezed around Sirius deliberately.

"Ah!" Sirius sped up, thrusting harder into the incredible tightness. He felt Remus tense around him again; the prick in his hand pulsed strongly as Remus came with a gasp. Sirius wanted to keep going, but the feel of the hot arse clenching around him propelled him over the edge. The pleasure that had been mounting and mounting suddenly exploded through him and his orgasm hit him like a lightning bolt, sending sparks of ecstasy racing along every nerve in his body.

After a few seconds he realized that Remus was supporting them both. He eased away, still panting. Remus turned and sat back down in the bath facing him.

"You know, Sirius, most people take baths to get clean, not dirty."

"Oh, you didn't like getting **dirty** in the bath?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows. He groped for the face cloth and soap, cleaned himself off briskly. "Well, back to work, I suppose."

He climbed out of the bath and grabbed a towel. "There's a pond waiting for you, isn't there?" He glanced over his shoulder at Remus, who was sitting in the bath with his mouth hanging open.

"Siri, that's not very-that's--" Remus gave up.

Sirius laughed. "Oh, does my werewolf want some cuddling? Who's a snuggly little wolf boy, then?"

Remus made a retching noise. "Fine, be all manly, then." He stood up. The water cascaded down his body. "But just look what you're missing." He struck a few poses, then stepped out of the bath and stole Sirius' towel.

Sirius laughed again and embraced him. "Sod the pond. Let's lie down for a bit."

Remus nipped at his neck. "As long as it's understood that we are neither cuddling nor snuggling. We're just... er... enjoying the moment."

"It certainly is an excellent moment." He held onto Remus and kissed him again. They made their way up the stairs to their bedroom and climbed onto the big bed. Remus pulled him into his arms, stroking his back. Another kiss. He would never get tired of Remus' lips, he decided.

"Better?" A husky whisper in his ear.

Sirius drew back slightly to see Remus' face again. "Oh yes." He paused. "You?"

"Yes." Without hesitation.

Sirius smiled, and saw Remus' face light up in response. "Good." He ran his fingers through the damp brown hair. "I love you." Something else he had thought he would never get the chance to say again. "I don't think I told you that enough. Before." Before he'd spent twelve years buried alive with the regret of things left undone.

He could feel Remus' heart beating against him. "Oh, Siri." A kiss. "I knew. I always knew." The striking eyes were deep gold now. "I love you too."

They lay together on the bed for a long time in near-silence, in a ray of sun that was nearly the color of Remus' eyes. At length Remus whispered, almost in disbelief, "I'm happy."

Sirius held him closer. "So am I." He couldn't say that everything that they had gone through had been worth it. But in this moment, with the prospect of a lifetime of such moments stretching in front of him, it seemed to him that perhaps it hadn't all been in vain. He kissed Remus and repeated, "So am I."

The end.


End file.
